EXT. PORTLAND, MAINE - DAY The sun rises over the city revealing a blanket of snow, which covers practically everything in the skyline. Somewhere, a radio is suddenly TURNED ON, emanating the deep voice of MIX MASTER BATES, a disgruntled local and popular morning-radio personality. MIX MASTER BATES (O.S.) ...Seven-thirty on this Wednesday morning and it is COLDER than a necrophile's junk out there, Portland! You've got a high of ELEVEN today, and a low of sit in bed and drink an entire bottle of cough syrup to deal with it. Over the stalled interstate nearby, an aluminum sign looms ominously. While the greeting is intended to welcome tourists, it reads more like prison sentence. INSERT- "VACATIONLAND Welcome to Maine, The Way Life Should Be." This is an ordinary winter morning. Traffic stalls. People get their coffee. Commuters wipe snow off of their cars. MIX MASTER BATES (CONT'D) Sure, it's another day closer to spring, but keep in mind, it's also a day closer to nuclear winter... Luckily, we've got another hour of the same FIVE annoying songs you heard yesterday, rotating here on this corporately-owned radio conglomerate... The radio FADES OUT as a lonesome street comes into a view... A house... A bedroom window... BLACK Total silence. Then... TAP... TAP... TAP... A curious rhythmic sound slowly ESCALATES IN AMPLITUDE. FADE IN: INT. CLUTTERED BEDROOM- DAY Stacks of books clutter the floor. The filthy carpet is soaked, as bongwater leaks from a glass two-footer. The surroundings slowly come into perspective, as does the source of the mysterious tapping noise. Stocky, unshaven, and slightly overweight, a man of twenty nine lies motionless in his bed. Drops of water fall from his ceiling and hit him square in the forehead, Chinese-Water Torture style. TAP... TAP... TAP... His alarm is the radio BLARING the D.J.'s voice, which is still heard at FULL VOLUME. MIX MASTER BATES (V.O.) So, as you prepare for yet another day of your meaningless existence, sing along and pretend you're not all robots... Robots that are all going to eventually die. This is your D.J., Mix Master Bates and you're listening to WSSP. It doesn't suck. It swallows. The man's open palm comes into view and SLAMS down on the radio, silencing it immediately. He looks like hell. He wipes the crust from the corners of his mouth and yawns. His name, LYLE WALTERS, and while he should look annoyed, or at least confused, he seems oddly accepting of his situation. As usual, he takes a glance at a framed picture on a nearby end-table. The photo is of Lyle and his high school girlfriend, Laura. At the prom. In 1995. It has obviously been ripped into a million shreds, and then pasted back together. LYLE Good morning, Laura. I still love you. Under the covers with him, a golden-colored pitbill mix, HULA GIRL, stares up at him, bored. He turns to her and studies her sleepy expression. LYLE Hula Girl, you got the life. You don't have to work... People feed you, take care of cleaning up your piss, your shit, and to top it off, you get to sleep all fucking day... (beat) BITCH. He rubs her head lovingly and hesitantly rolls his lazy ass out of bed. He throws on a T-shirt that exclaims in bold, block lettering, "The World's Biggest Gangbang." TITLE CARD: LYLE As he turns around, we see the back of the shirt. It reads, (like it should...)"#271". INT. LYLE'S LIVING ROOM - SAME The living room is a maze of QVC boxes and folded laundry. An unused "Health Rider" collects dust next to an old television, which is keeping the Nordic Track company. A broken treadmill watches both. LYLE (V.O.) There comes a time in every man's life when he reaches a fork in the road. A crossroads of sorts. A point where he must make a choice... Lyle's mother, MRS. WALTERS, is an obnoxious woman with a remote in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She epitomizes the "lazy" in La-z-Boy. She checks her LOTTO numbers. Another loser. A portable phone is mounted above her, and still RINGS, which she does not hear. She just sits there, completely oblivious. LYLE (CONT'D) A choice to reach for his dreams or to accept his lot in life. At this point, both options are equally appealing. She leans in closer to the television, which blares THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES fielding questions about the war on terrorism, at a completely unreasonable level. Leaning forward, she tries to make something out. PRESIDENT BUSH By raising the terror level to orange, or elevated, we're showing TURRISTS that the point is MUTE. Irregardless, we must be vigilantes in the war on TURRISM if we want to defeat the enemy. MRS. WALTERS These damn terrorists... Mornin'. LYLE You gonna get that? He reaches for the phone. She recoils, afraid he is going to strike her. All the while, the phone continues to RING, fruitlessly. MRS. WALTERS I said good morning, Lyle Walters! LYLE (knowing she won't hear) What's good, when I am so considering killing you? Slowly. MRS. WALTERS I need a check for the gas bill. LYLE Seeing as I am broke, maybe I could harvest your organs? MRS. WALTERS Hah? Lyle boils in absolute frustration. LYLE (loudly) MA! THE ROOF IS LEAKING AGAIN! YA THINK YOU COULD HAVE SOMEONE COME FIX IT?! Lyle shakes his head in total disgust. She hears nothing. Lyle spins around and walks towards her, until he is officially invading her personal space. He takes a deep breath before unloading. LYLE Please, Ma. Before I slit your THROAT, and my wrists! PUT YOUR GODDAMN HEARING AID IN AND TURN THE TV DOWN! She puts the piece in her ear, but she does not respond as he backs off. He can't tell whether it's out of anger or confusion. LYLE Ah forget it. I'll do it when I get home from work... Beaten, he heads back upstairs. LYLE (V.O.) All I really want out of life is to move out of my mom's house, maybe get a hot wife, have her shit out a couple kids, and live in a nice place. I don't even need the white picket fence, but I would like it all without the feeling of impending doom. Is that too much to ask? MRS. WALTERS I need that check before noon. And just so you know, the Homeland Security alert level has been raised to ORANGE. That's elevated. So be careful today. Lyle lets out a world weary SIGH. LYLE OKAY! WHATEVER! WENCH! Already fed up with his day, he walks out of frame. INT. LYLE'S HOUSE - LATER Lyle groggily goes through the motions of his daily morning routine. He showers. He gets dressed. He rubs one out at the computer. He takes a bong hit. He brushes his teeth. He drinks from a beer bottle. He plays the guitar, holding in another bong hit. LYLE (singing to Seals and Crofts' "Summer Breeze") Summers eve, makes me feel fine, freshens me like the douche in my vagi-ine... Exhaling, he COUGHS HIS LUNGS OUT. INT. LYLE'S KITCHEN - SAME Lyle puts on a jacket and gets his checkbook out, writing in perfect penmanship. Once he is done, he smiles and tacks it up on the fridge before heading out into the cold. EXT. LYLE'S DRIVEWAY - DAY Lyle moves toward his 1985 Subaru Stationwagon, which is adorned with an embarrassing "PIZZA PALACE" sign embedded on the roof. LYLE (V.O.) It seems that sometimes people come to this aforementioned crossroads and see their dreams as unattainable, so they think... Hey, I COULD smoke weed, get a bucket of popcorn chicken, and just snap the carrot to free porn sites for the rest of my life because... well... that's good enough for me. Yeah. That's pretty much where I'm at right now... This is my life. As he opens the door and hops in, a slew of coffee cups and cigarette packs fall out onto the ground. INT. LYLE'S KITCHEN - SAME Mrs. Walters enters the room, looking for the check. She finds it on the fridge, which pleasantly surprises her. She picks it up and studies it as her face slowly contorts to one of confusion. CU- CHECK The check, for zero dollars and zero cents, is made out to REALITY. In addition, the memo reads "WAKE UP AND SMELL THE HORSESHIT". INT. POLICE CRUISER - DAY Lyle sports full police gear while sipping a cup of coffee. Or at least we think it is Lyle. It is actually his twin brother, Carl, (although we aren't aware of this yet). He backs the cruiser behind some shrubs and waits, ready for some action, listening to Journey's "Faithfully". TITLE CARD: CARL LYLE (V.O.) For example. Take my closeted, yet obviously gay, identical twin brother. While his sense of justice has been skewed by years of torment, he relinquished his dream of thwarting criminals to raid the very parties he never got invited to during his high school years. But its his own fault. I don't know. Maybe he's not a good example. (beat) He's way into Journey. Carl doesn't sing along with the song, but rocks the "Air Drum" solo at the end of the first or second chorus. It is speaking to his inner-most soul, so he SINGS THE BRIDGE, heartfelt. Cars go by, none speeding. Just then, Lyle's car FLIES BY. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - TWO MINUTES LATER Lyle is pissed and pulled over, as Carl sternly approaches the car. CARL License and registration please. LYLE Carl. It's me. CARL License and registration, sir. Lyle reluctantly hands him the necessary paperwork, which Carl studies closely. Satisfied, he hands them back. CARL Do you know why I pulled you over today Lyle? LYLE Because your bored ass works in a town with little to no real crime. (beat) And because you have a quota to make. (beat) And because you're way into guys. CARL For the last time Lyle, I'm not into guys. I don't know why you keep saying that I am a homosexual... Lyle thinks back... In one fell swoop, a la three quick FLASHES, he remembers instances that immediately come to mind.... INT. RESTAURANT - SOMETIME Carl, sitting across from Lyle, is studying the menu as a WAITER writes the order down. CARL I'll have the beef with some of that special sauce your cooks make. Do you have the special sauce? WAITER Umm. I don't know. Let me see if they can... whip some up. CARL Also, who's your dentist? You have the nicest teeth I've ever come across... JUMP CUT TO: INT. MECHANIC'S GARAGE - SOMETIME Carl walks into the garage and approaches a MECHANIC. CARL Hey, can you pick me up? I just blew a tranny... JUMP CUT TO: INT. HARDWARE STORE - SOMETIME At the hardware store, Carl is at the desk, purchasing a CAULKING GUN. CARL I'm glad you guys are open, I really needed some caulk. Bad. The GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER nods, wide-eyed and holding back his laughter. BACK TO: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - SAME AS BEFORE Lyle snaps out of his little series of FLASHBACKS. LYLE You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry. CARL I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Just slow it up! Unless you want to go... downtown. LYLE (deadpan) No. Carl. I don't want that. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - CONTINUOUS Lyle is now driving with a rack of pizzas. He checks the address of the correct residence and makes his way to the front door with two pies. Once there, TWO CHILDREN, 8 or 9, answer the door. LYLE (V.O.) Even though Carl is a weirdo, he made that safe decision at eighteen. Me? I answer to no one. CHILD #1 How long do you cook the pizza for? We have a debate. LYLE Seven minutes. That's $29.50. CHILD #2 How old are you? Like, twenty eight? Twenty-nine? Lyle is at first confused. Then stunned. CHILD #1 (cont'd) (laughing to himself) Did you always want to be a Pizza Delivery Boy? I mean, did you go to college for this? LYLE For two years, then I- CHILD #2 Real college or community college? LYLE Community. West Portland. Which IS real. It's there. You've seen it. CHILD #1 Yeah. About as real as the thirteenth grade... DAD! PIZZA IS HERE! CHILD #2 Did you bomb your S.A.T.'s or something? LYLE (totally serious) Hey, do you wanna fight? The kids back off and head inside. A moment later, a MAN IN ONLY A TOWEL returns with cash. MAN IN ONLY A TOWEL Here you go, bro. Keep the change. And thanks for coming out. You know, with the terror threat being Orange and all. I appreciate it. With that, the man gives Lyle a quick pat on the ass. Lyle cannot believe what has just transpired. MAN IN ONLY A TOWEL It's cool man. I play sports. As Lyle heads back to his car, he shakes his head, absolutely dumb-founded at the THIRTY DOLLARS he has been given. EXT. STREET - LATER Lyle is getting in his car, when another car BREEZES past him. LYLE Laura? He realizes who is driving it, and BOOKS after it, intent on catching up. As the two cars APPROACH a stop sign, Lyle, ever so lightly, TAPS the other car with his own. A moment later, LAURA SHEA (28), the girl from his prom photo, exits her car. She looks both confused and mad. Over 40 FRAMES, Laura slowly gets out of her car, hair flowing in the wind as Christopher Cross' "Think Of Laura" plays in the ambiance. Lyle gets out of his car and approaches her. She snaps him out of his daydream with a... LAURA LYLE! Are you FUCKING kidding me... LYLE Oh my god. Are you all right? LAURA You need to stop this. Or I am going to have to get a restraining order. Do you hear me? RESTRAINING ORDER! I am going to get the courts involved! Shit, this is my fault, I should have done it a long time ago. LYLE (bullshitting her) Laura, you should NEVER admit fault at the scene of an accident. LAURA Don't you think its kind of sad? I mean, we broke up TEN YEARS ago. That's a decade. And I'm now happily married. With children. That's plural. So... (beat, yelling) Stop stalking me. Lyle contemplates the situation. LYLE Well, you know what? Neither of us appear to be hurt, thank God, but we should probably exchange information just in case. You know, home phone number, email, social security number, that sort of thing... LAURA How bout no? And you go fuck yourself, you crazy, pathetic loser! And by that I mean, don't you have some more pizzas to deliver? She gets back in her car and SPEEDS OFF. As she does, Lyle walks after her, still playing it off as a bonafide accident. LYLE (flabbergasted) You know you're fleeing the scene of an accident! THAT'S COMPLETELY ILLEGAL! INT. SUBARU HATCHBACK - LATER ON Lyle sits in rush-hour traffic and is not moving. He looks like he hasn't moved in quite a while. MIX MASTER BATES (V.O.) ... now to the roads. Actually, this should give you some time to think about whether this, meaning your life, is all worth it. Plus, now you've got nothing better to do than to stay tuned to the only radio station that's exactly like every other radio station, but hey, the kids love it. Or so I hear. Megan's law requires that I stay 300 yards away from all of them. You're tuned to WSSP. It doesn't suck- Lyle TURNS THE RADIO OFF, out of sheer frustration. This is going to be a very long day. LYLE (V.O.) Is that so bad? To give up on your dreams? To accept your life for what it is, all the while acknowledging the missed genius we feel when we make that second choice. Lyle grows even more agitated as he looks ahead. LYLE (now EXTREMELY angry) It's on the other side of the fucking road? GIMME A BREAK! (long beat) Somebody better be FUCKING DEAD UP THERE!!! EXT. LYLE'S ROOF - AFTERNOON He carefully climbs the ladder, armed with only a shovel. Once atop the roof, he shovels the ice with furious tenacity. He cracks the ice, moves the ice, kicks the ice. A huge slab breaks, which he proudly kicks off of the roof. He walks backward, overly impressed with his accomplishment. Then, as his life were suddenly transformed into some sort of twisted cartoon, he falls off of the roof, Indiana Jones style, two stories down. INT. LYLE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Mrs. Walters watches television, eating Ho-Ho's, as Lyle falls outside the bay window, screaming. A muffled THUD is heard. But not by her. EXT. SNOWBANK - SAME He falls onto the ground and cries in pain. Just then, a mammoth heap of snow falls off of the roof and onto him, covering his entire body. Only his head protrudes. He tries to push his way out, but can't. LYLE What the cock? He tries to nudge himself out again, to no avail. Time passes. FADE TO BLACK. EXT. SNOWBANK - LATER Mrs. Walters gets up to grab some grub from the fridge. LYLE Ma! I'm stuck! In the snowbank! MRS. WALTERS Lyle? Lyle?! LYLE I swear to Christ I'm going to kill you. I'm going to rip your voice box out of your throat and fist it up your ass! Mrs. Walters opens the storm door and yells to the roof at the top of her lungs. MRS. WALTERS (cont'd) LYLE! LYLE HEY HELEN KELLER! I AM LITERALLY FIFTEEN FEET AWAY FROM YOU! MRS. WALTERS LYLE CARLISLE WALTERS! GET DOWN AND ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW! LYLE I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU DUMB WHORE! SHUT YOUR CUMCATCHER AND PUT YOUR HEARING AID IN, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST! She goes inside and lights a cigarette. A moment later, she dials the phone. LYLE (cont'd) (echoes through the night) MA! BLACK. EXT. SNOWBANK - MAGIC HOUR A few hours have gone by. Mrs. Walters comes back outside, phone to ear. It is upside down and she doesn't realize it. MRS. WALTERS What do you mean I can't file a report? HAH?! 48 hours! He could be dead by then! HAH!? Try speaking up when you use the telephone! She hangs up. Then, with everything she has, to the whole world... MRS. WALTERS (cont'd) LYLE! LYLE MOM! MRS. WALTERS LYLE! She goes inside and locks the door, unaware of his vocal rampage. He looks really uncomfortable, until the snow slowly turns yellow. Then... he is relaxed as can be. His eyes go white and his head falls backward. LYLE MOTHER!...... Fucker. BLACK EXT. SNOWBANK - SOMETIME / DAY Lyle awakens to the sound of SILENCE. Absolute, eerie silence. We pull back, revealing that Lyle is no longer stuck in the snowbank. He is free as can be, sitting Indian-style on the ground, wearing a shirt with his picture on it. Confused, he gets up and walks inside. LYLE (O.S.) Ma? INT. LYLE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS His mother is no where to be found, but the television is BLARING AT FULL AMPLITUDE. At present, the screen is showing PRESIDENT BUSH, again fielding some questions from reporters, standing in front of an official-looking podium. Lyle CRACKS A BEER and TURNS THE VOLUME DOWN to a reasonable level, watching intently. As the Commander-In-Chief speaks, Lyle tries to comprehend what on earth is happening to him. PRESIDENT BUSH Now ladies and gentlemen of AMURICA, the war on TURRISM is far from won, but we must be vigil, uh, we must have a candlelight vigil and... be vigilant. He.. He... And not be LAZY. Like LYLE WALTURS. And not give up. Like LYLE WALTURS. And not spend all our free time taking pulls off the two footer, eatin' leftover KFC and masturbatin' to hurdcore german broadband porn. (beat) Like Lyle Walturs. (beat) So AMURICA, I put it to you like this, you're either with us, or you're with... that slacker, never gonna do anything with his life crybaby-whining douche-nozzle, Lyle Walturs...I'm George Dubbya Bush and I approved this mess- Lyle, in a frenzy, SHUTS OFF the television, flabbergasted at what he has just seen. He looks at the beer bottle, smells it and puts it down on a coffee table, just in case. LYLE Hmmm. I guess LSD really does stay in your spine forever. (thinking back and coming to an angry realization) Fucking college. (shrugging) Community college. In a weird, confused daze, he heads outside. INT. SUBARU STATIONWAGON - CONTINUOUS Lyle is driving in his car, trying to shake it off. There is absolutely no one else on the road. Or anywhere else for that matter. The effect is strange, but Lyle tries to take his mind off of what is happening to him by TURNING ON the radio. MIX MASTER BATES ...WSSP, the only station to rape your ears with hours of inane monotony and then politely ask you to come back for more. It's an acquired taste, really. Up next, we got Lyle Walters, trying to get his proverbial shit together as he comes to the realization that he is stuck in a semi-permanent catatonic state. LYLE What?! MIX MASTER BATES That's right, Lyle. You're unconscious. When you fell in that snowbank, you developed a severe case of hypothermia and slipped into a coma. Sorry. LYLE How are you talking to me? How do you know that? MIX MASTER BATES I know everything, Lyle. I'm your subconscious. LYLE My what? Mix Master Bates is hereon referred to as LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Your subconscious. I'm the voice inside your head that makes you want to rub one out whenever you see that Herbal Essences commercial. Lyle looks scared as hell. Whatever answer he was prepared for, it wasn't this. LYLE I gotta get to a hospital! In a feeble act of desperation, Lyle SWITCHES OFF the stereo, giving the deck a few swift punches. After he gets out some rage, he listens, TAKES A DEEP BREATH, and relaxes once he believes that once again, he is alone. After a pregnant pause... LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS You finished? LYLE Will you leave me alone! Stop fucking with my head! Lyle OPENS his car door, booking it down the empty street, top speed. As the voice is now inside his head, the running is futile, but he does it anyway. He turns a quick corner... EXT. CITY STREET - SOMETIME In a surreal, visceral moment, Lyle feverishly makes his way towards an old, art-deco style movie theater. The marquis interests him especially. INSERT - THE LIFE OF LYLE WALTERS He stops, amazed at the sign. LYLE F... my... A... LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS You want me to prove it? Ummm. Okay. Your favorite movie is E.T... Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite New Kid was Donnie. Still don't believe me? Sometimes you fold your scrotum over your flaccid penis to make it look like you have three balls. That is all Lyle needed. His face changes quickly. LYLE Okay. I believe. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS And sometimes you fold your penis between your legs to make it look like a vagina, like Buffalo Bill in Silence of The Lambs... Lyle, furious that this has been brought up, STOMPS ON THE GROUND as he spins around. LYLE OKAY! I BELIEVE YOU! If you're my subconscious, please tell me what is going on! LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Easy, gunpowder. Go inside. INT. MOVIE THEATER - SAME Lyle STROLLS down the aisle of the theater, finding a seat and sitting down. LYLE Where am I? LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS We are inside your mind. LYLE Oh, I get it. I saw It's A Wonderful Life... I get to see what my life would be like without me in it, or um, if I was never born or something. Right? Lyle's subconscious seriously contemplates this for a moment. After heavy deliberation... LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS No... That probably wouldn't be a good idea. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS (cont'd) Here's the thing. The type of brain injury you received is going to make you accept this world as it becomes more outrageous. Eventually, you will lose all grasp of reality, and you will be in this coma for the rest of your life. Just then, a THEATER ATTENDANT in a blue vest comes by with a "Timmy Fund" cup. Lyle is agitated and stunned, as he is not currently seated in reality, but shakes his head, reaches into his pocket and produces a couple bucks anyway. LYLE So what, you're some sort of mental alarm clock? LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Yes. In a sense. I am a self defense mechanism inside your cerebrum, trying to keep you from going crazy. Your brain knows it is in trouble, and has sent me to let you know as well. You... are lost. Like a white boy in the hood. And you are going to be asked a question that you NEED to answer if you want to get out of here. LYLE What question is that? LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS The most important question you will ever be asked. All in due time. For now, just pay attention. Do you recognize this place? LYLE Yeah. That's the house I grew up in. Man, I loved that house. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Let's visit a day in the Walters home, shall we? Just then, the overhead LIGHTS DIM and a movie begins to RUN on the screen. TRANSITION TO: DELETED EXT. LYLE'S HOUSE (1985) - DAY Lyle and Carl's father, Carlisle, is listening to the nearby radio as he works on fixing a broken lawnmower. Their father is something of an aging comic-book geek, rocking a Superman T-shirt and sporting the "skullett". TITLE CARD: CARLISLE Young Carl approaches him, holding a very phallic-looking volcano. Young Mrs. Walters follows him, carrying some baking soda and vinegar. YOUNG CARL Dad? CARLISLE What is it, Carl? YOUNG CARL Look what I made for the science fair at school? Carlisle stops what he is doing, and turns around. Young Carl pours the ingredients down the cock-looking volcano, and it erupts like creamy ejaculate. CARLISLE That's really great, Carl. You might wanna use some food coloring though. So it's not so... creamy white. YOUNG MRS. WALTERS What your father means to say is that he's very proud of you. CARLISLE WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SPEAK FOR ME! NO GODDAMNIT! WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE MOLTEN LAVA! Just then, Young Lyle EXITS the house, a JET-PAK strapped to his back. CARLISLE Lyle, what did YOU make for the science fair? Young Lyle PRESSES A BUTTON on the contraption and we see the reaction of his family as the JET-PAK SOUND EFFECT is heard. CARLISLE Holy shit! Is that a Jet-Pak? From the way that they are watching, Lyle has TAKEN OFF and HOVERING THE SKY ABOVE THEM. CARLISLE (to Carl) He made a working jet-pak! You made an ejacu- uh erupting volcano... and he made a goddamn gasoline powered levitation device! THAT'S MY BOY! Young Carl fumes at his brother for "stealing his thunder" and we end on a... FREEZE FRAME. INT. MOVIE THEATER - SAME AS BEFORE As the place is illuminated again, Lyle appears to be somewhat guilty. He stands, staring up at the screen. LYLE The "freeze frame" is a nice touch. You don't see it rocked very often anymore. They really aughta bring that back. It's an AWESOME way to end things. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Lyle, I'm trying to show you something. LYLE Well, I hope that's not supposed to make me run through the streets screaming "I want to live again". And I don't know what that is supposed to teach me. It's not my fault Carl wasn't as smart as I was. I'm supposed to stifle my creativity to spare his feelings? LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS No, Lyle. But you only built this damn thing to show your own brother up. You know you didn't give a damn about some science fair. Just shut up and watch. This will all be important when you have to answer your almighty question... But in order to answer it, we need to go back. To the worst day of your life.... EXT. LYLE'S BACKYARD - LATER Young Carl IGNITES brush with a book of matches. LYLE Wait. No. I don't want to see this! Lyle backs up and goes out the door behind them. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Hey! INT. MOVIE THEATER/ LYLE'S MIND - SAME AS BEFORE Lyle runs top-speed down the aisle. He exits the door, but immediately runs through the shot again. He does this three times before he realizes that he is, in effect, stuck. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS What do you think you doing? LYLE You're my subconscious. You tell me. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS You can't just leave. You already know what has happened to you. You can't unlearn something. LYLE I think I can. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS You can't. Lyle and his subconscious argue quickly, each knowing what the other will say. LYLE I can. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Can't. LYLE Can. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS "T". LYLE I could try really hard. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS You could also try to suck your own dick at summer camp and we both know how that turned out. LYLE Low blow, subconscious. Low blow. Lyle tries his best, but the door won't open. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS I can tell you this a million times. But you just have to listen the ONE TIME. Defeated, Lyle stops trying to open the door. He leans against it, perplexed. LYLE Why couldn't you just leave me be? Let me stay where I was, oblivious? LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS I am trying to facilitate our happiness here. If you can find your way out of this unarousable state, we can be happy. LYLE Please don't say "unarousable" again. It just sounds weird... LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Do you roll with crickets? Or do they just show up when you tell a joke? (getting agitated now) Stop fucking around. The omniscient entity runs the film, revealing the same situation as before. TRANSITION TO: EXT. LYLE'S BACKYARD - SAME AS BEFORE The younger Carl strikes a match on a matchbox, placing the burning sticks on a pile of leaves. Young Lyle approaches, perplexed. YOUNG LYLE What are you doing, Carl? YOUNG CARL I'm totally playing with matches. It's wicked awesome. YOUNG LYLE You shouldn't do that. Dad's a fireman for God's sakes. If he catches you, he'll kill you. YOUNG CARL Dad is a wanna-be superhero. And he's not going to catch me. Hey, do me a favor? Watch it while I drain the main vein? Lyle nods as Carl HEADS OFFSCREEN, knowing that their father's pickup truck is currently DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD. Carlisle pulls into the driveway, wearing a "Greatest American Hero" T-Shirt, seeing Lyle in front of the contained fire. Mr. Walters approaches sternly, still holding his fireman's helmet. The young Lyle is caught like a deer in headlights. CARLISLE What the hell do you think you're doing? YOUNG LYLE What? Oh! I'm not playing with matches. Carl was. Mr. Walters is stunned at his audacity. CARLISLE That Parent Trap shit only works in the movies boy. I made you. You think I don't know my own work, Lyle? YOUNG LYLE I know you can, but he was the one who was out here lighting- Dad grabs him and pulls him inside. Lyle is busted. Carl, in the nearby bushes, smiles knowingly. INT. LYLE'S LIVING ROOM (1985) - DAY Mr. Walters is holding Lyle by the ear as he brings him into the surprisingly immaculate room. YOUNG LYLE Dad! Let go of me! YOUNG LYLE This is all Carl's fault! He set me up! CARLISLE It's never your fault is it? Even when I catch you red handed? YOUNG CARL He did this once back in April too, Dad. CARLISLE Thank you, Carl. Mr. Walters is on the verge of tears. CARLISLE Tell me you'll never play with fire again. The boys looked shocked as Mr. Walters storms upstairs. YOUNG LYLE Where are you going?! A moment later, Mr. Walters comes back down the stairs holding Lyle's E.T. doll by the neck. Lyle screams behind him, panicked. The younger Mrs. Walters ENTERS from the living room. MRS. WALTERS What's going on? YOUNG CARL (singing) Lyle is getting in trouble. YOUNG LYLE GIVE ME MY E.T. DOLL BACK! CARLISLE GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK! EXT. LYLE'S HOUSE - SAME Mr. Walters storms out of the house toward the garage, where he grabs a nearby container of gasoline. YOUNG MRS. WALTERS Carlisle! Carlisle, what are you doing?! CARLISLE (screaming into her ears) I CALL IT PARENTING. FEEL FREE TO TAKE NOTES. CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? THESE IDENTICAL BASTARDS ARE RUINING MY LIFE! YOUNG MRS. WALTERS Calm down, Carlisle. There's no need to shout! CARLISLE WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME SHOUT?! It is now one hundred percent obvious why she is deaf. YOUNG LYLE No! Dad! Not E.T.! Just then, Young Lyle HOPS ON HIS BIKE and proceeds towards the stuffed animal, grabbing it, and throwing it into the front basket. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - CONTINUOUS He takes off down the road, as John Williamsy-E.T. type music SWELLS. A parody chase ensues. Carlisle gets in his truck and chases Lyle through the neighborhood, eventually turning his truck into a roadblock in front of Lyle. Instead of flying overhead, Young Lyle just slows down, defeated. BLACK EXT. LYLE'S HOUSE - LATER Lyle covers his crying eyes as Mr. Walters douses the doll in gasoline. CARLISLE You ready to see his finger really light up? Mr. Walters strikes a match and throws it. Horrifically, E.T. goes up in flames. CARLISLE (cont'd) That is what is going to happen to you, if you play with matches! Young Lyle watches as his best friend goes up in smoke. He wipes the tears streaming from his eyes. YOUNG MRS. WALTERS (to her soon to be ex husband) You... are going to hell. CARLISLE (screaming, building to a crescendo) Guess what. I ALREADY LIVE THERE! LATER Young Carl and Young Lyle are sullen, sitting on the porch. Mr. Walters is just about to leave, when he turns around to face his two sons. CARLISLE I'm leaving now, boys. And I'm not coming back. But I want you to remember one thing. Both kids are hanging on every word. CARLISLE Women are no damn good. Avoid them at all costs. Carl pulls out a notepad and writes that piece of advice down, as Mrs. Walters comes outside, angry, holding a cardboard box and a bag. YOUNG MRS. WALTERS Do you remember what you said to me the day the boys were born? CARLISLE Holy shit, there's two of 'em? YOUNG MRS. WALTERS After that. CARLISLE Could you ask the doctor to throw in extra stitch... For Daddy? YOUNG MRS. WALTERS Before that... You said that you'd be the best dad ever. Well guess what? You suck at it. Don't forget your action figures and your comic books, faggot. CARLISLE Well, I'm taking the dog. KRYP-TO! Just then, the family dog Krypto runs out of the house, wearing a superman cape. Carlisle picks him up. YOUNG MRS. WALTERS That's my dog. CARLISLE I named him. YOUNG MRS. WALTERS You RE-named him. Frustrated, Carlisle abandons the dog and holding his stuff, gets in his car. YOUNG MRS. WALTERS That's my car too. Carlisle wants to respond, but can't find the words. He looks at his family and walks on down the road as "The Lonely Man" theme from The Incredible Hulk SWELLS. YOUNG CARL Mom? Is this my fault? Young Mrs. Walters, who is crying, genuinely tries to comfort her son. YOUNG MRS. WALTERS No, Carl. It's not your fault. Suddenly, her head turns to acknowledge her other son. MRS. WALTERS (cont'd) It's his. We end on Lyle's horrified face... FREEZE FRAME: INT. MOVIE THEATER/ LYLE'S MIND - SAME AS BEFORE Lyle looks at wit's end with what he has seen. LYLE Another freeze frame. RADICAL. This has been about as uplifting as a funeral. So basically, not only am I responsible for my misery, but for everyone else's as well? LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Yeah. Kinda. LYLE Is there a kill switch in here? LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS How long has your vagina been talking like that? Lyle can't retort. LYLE Look. Can we hurry this up? This is fun and all, but I have to wash my ass later. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Just one more. This is one is classic. Let's go back to prom night. Oh wait, you weren't there. Why would that be a day of note? LYLE Because... I sort of cleaned my pipes and to make a long story short, apparently... Ben Gay can really do a number on your dick... I had Carl take Laura to the prom while I was at the hospital, so she wouldn't be let down. She wouldn't fucking shut up about it. It would have killed her. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS Cut to... the next day. CUT TO THE NEXT DAY: INT. LAURA'S HOUSE - DAY Laura and Lyle are now cuddled up, watching a flick on the couch. TEENAGE LAURA Last night was so much fun. TEENAGE LYLE Yeah. It was probably the most fun I've ever had. TEENAGE LAURA Everyone looked so great. TEENAGE LYLE (lying through his teeth) Especially you, in that dress. It was like, I don't know. Awesome. TEENAGE LAURA When you picked me up, I was so nervous. TEENAGE LYLE You don't have to be nervous around me, Laura. I love you. TEENAGE LAURA And when you danced to Journey's "OPEN ARMS' with me, it gave me chills. Like I knew we had something special. Something real. TEENAGE LYLE We do. Sometimes I feel bad for other guys because they're not me. You're the best, baby. TEENAGE LAURA And when you fucked me in the bathroom of the Sands hotel, you finally gave me an orgasm. Lyle immediately sits up and THROWS HER OFF OF him. A bomb has been dropped. TEENAGE LYLE WHAT?! What did you just say? TEENAGE LAURA I think it was the position. Having me face down, getting me from the back, having me moan in that DEEP VOICE for you. So hot! Question though. Why did you have me put that baseball cap on backwards? TEENAGE LYLE YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM? TEENAGE LAURA What? Sex with who? TEENAGE LYLE CARL! THAT WAS MY BROTHER CARL! I HAD HIM TAKE YOU TO THE PROM! Lyle looks sick. Laura looks confused. TEENAGE LAURA If this is some kind of joke, Lyle- TEENAGE LYLE Oh my god. I'm gonna be sick. TEENAGE LAURA I thought Carl was gay? TEENAGE LYLE Well, that certainly answers your baseball cap question now doesn't it? TEENAGE LAURA You had me fuck your brother? Goddamnit, I knew my family shouldn't have moved to Maine. Lyle gets up and STORMS OUT toward the front door. TEENAGE LYLE You whore! TEENAGE LAURA You know what, get out of my fucking house, you sick, twisted freak! She PUSHES HIM OUT into the darkness. TEENAGE LYLE Laura, I'm sorry. I don't think any less of you. TEENAGE LAURA Gee, that's comforting. Why don't you write that down, put it in an envelope and mail it back to yesterday when I would have given a fuck? And for the record, your gay twin brother is a way better lay than you. She SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE. FREEZE FRAME: INT. MOVIE THEATER/ LYLE'S MIND - SOMETIME Lyle is watching with his eyes closed as his subconscious LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS (LAUGHING, then calming down) Sorry. Egh, I think I peed a little. LYLE Look, are you going to ask me this "important question" or what? I don't know how much more of this shit sandwich I can stomach. LYLE'S SUBCONSCIOUS You see the emergency exit? If you want to move to the next level, you have to go through there... LYLE Apparently being in a vegetative state is very similar to Mario brothers. This door? What? Is Bowser in there? Lyle takes a step and WALKS THROUGH. EXT. EMERGENCY EXIT / LYLE'S MIND - SAME Lyle now stands alone. His subconscious is nowhere to be found. LYLE Hello? Anyone in here? Subconscious!? BLACK At once, there are no surroundings, just complete and total darkness. Suddenly, Lyle floats into the nothingness, aware of the change. From nowhere, a hole opens above him which emanates a beam of radiant light. As the light shines down upon him, he floats upwards, amazed. EXT. HEAVEN - SOMETIME An ambient, very bright place. Like reality, only somewhat enhanced. Colors are exaggerated and movement seems almost effortless. Gravity is less of a force, but regardless, it doesn't seem like a place to spend an eternity. LYLE Hello? JESUS CHRIST (O.S.) Lyle Walters. Welcome to eternity. LYLE Who the hell is that?! I've got more voices in my head than fucking Sybil! JESUS CHRIST (O.S.) I'll give you a hint... I am the man that all men should aspire to be like? LYLE Ron Jeremy? JESUS CHRIST (O.S.) No. How bout this... I am 33. LYLE Oh. Larry Bird.... Just then, the one and only son of God, JESUS CHRIST, appears in all His glory. JESUS CHRIST It baffles me that my dad made you people so dumb. HERE! Is this better! Do you know who I am now? LYLE OH! OF COURSE! Charles Manson! JESUS CHRIST How bout the Lamb of god, prince of peace... Ringing any bells, Corky? See the robe, the crown of thorns, the scars of where they nailed me to a cross, for MY sake! LYLE JESUS CHRIST! You're Jesus Christ! JESUS CHRIST Nice detective work, Angela Lansbury... Lyle can't believe this. He is honored to be in the presence of His holiness. LYLE Jesus? I have so many questions for you! Umm, why do men have nipples? No.. what's the deal with Samoans? Why are they so damn big? No... How come PBS is always looking for money, but they have every fucking letter as a sponsor? Jesus attempts to answer when suddenly it all sinks in for Lyle. LYLE (cont'd) Wait. I'm dead? JESUS CHRIST I usually don't invite people upstairs for a nightcap. Before we get started, I need you to sign this confidentiality agreement. Just as a precaution. It basically says if you give any interviews or expose any part of this conversation, you will be damned to hell for all eternity. It's all pretty standard. Lyle signs, reluctantly. Looking around, he signs and assesses the situation. LYLE I think there has been some mistake. JESUS CHRIST My dad actually invented mistakes. While you're one of them, this isn't. LYLE Wasn't I supposed to be asked some sort of question? An important question? Jesus thinks it over. JESUS CHRIST Yes. Are you ready? (beat, a total non-segue) Do you WANT to wake up from this? Lyle closes his eyes and thinks it over. A decision is made. Jesus H. smiles, content with his thought. LYLE (V.O.) There comes a time in every man's life when he reaches a fork in the road. A crossroads of sorts. A point where he must make a choice... FADE INTO: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Everything is blurry as Lyle opens his eyes. As the room's ambience gets louder, the audio NORMALIZES. His surroundings slowly come into focus. Lyle tries to speak, but can't get the words out. Finally, as if he snapped his fingers and made a decision to be able to speak, he does. LYLE What the cock? A man in white, DR. NGUYEN, stands over him, next to his mother, who is smiling. DR. NGUYEN Do you know what happened to you? Lyle chooses his words carefully before speaking. LYLE Somewhere along the road, I lost my way. Mom, I used to curse your womb for bringing me into this world, but now I realize that you did the best with what God gave you. Which wasn't much. But I love you anyway. Lyle's mom seems affected by his heart-felt comment. Is she going to smile? Is she going to cry? She takes a moment before replying. MRS. WALTERS Hah? Carl ENTERS THE ROOM, concerned. CARL You did it! I knew you would. There's nothing worse than a guy lying motionless in bed all day. Lyle is the only one getting the play on words. Laughing, Lyle suddenly sits up, pulls his IV out and heads to the door. The group tries to hold him down, but miraculously, he is too quick for them. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - SAME As Lyle continues down the corridor, a nurse sees his backside and motions to him, to help him avoid embarrassment. NURSE Ahem! Your Johnny... LYLE No. You must have me confused with someone else. I'm Lyle. Lyle Walters. And I have a life to lead. From now on, its all about dignity in that. Turning around, ass to the world, he strides through the double doors. Aside from his wardrobe, he is Clint Eastwood walking into the sunset. (47 DELETED) INT. CLUTTERED BEDROOM- DAY Lyle is opening a five-gallon container. He opens his closet and, like finding the holy grail, he pulls out the old Jet Pak. Just then, Carl KNOCKS and enters the room. CARL How you holding up? LYLE Sit down for a minute. I want to talk to you. (beat) Carl, I've been thinking. Growing up, it seems like we were always trying to beat each other, or out do one another. I did a lot of thinking while I was out, and even though you're an overall pain in the nuts, and into guys, and into Journey, we're brothers Carl, and I think its time we started acting like it. Come here, brothers hug. Carl is stunned. After a moment, they hug for the first time in years. There is a lot of missed time going into it, so it is big and meaningful for both. CARL (cont'd) It's good to have you back. LYLE It's good to be back. And Carl, I mean this, you're the best gay identical twin brother a guy could have. (beat) All right, you go rim some guy's ass, I gotta take care of something. CARL Sure thing. Carl makes his way out... as Lyle TURNS THE JET-PAK ON. Just then, Lyle notices the ceiling is still dripping. Out of habit, or for old times sake, he lies down on the bed, letting the droplets of water strike his forehead. TAP... TAP... TAP... FADE OUT. BLACK TAP... TAP... TAP... The sound fades slowly as we hear Lyle breathe deeply. We have come full circle. Eventually, all is silent. CUT TO: INT. SUBARU HATCHBACK - DAY Carl drives down the street, listening to the radio. He is still in civilian clothes, but they have changed. Is it later in the day? A different day? As Carl wipes a tear from his eye, Mix Master Bates' radio voice ECHOES throughout the car. Carl RAISES THE VOLUME, listening intently. His eyes go wide, almost in disbelief at what he is hearing. MIX MASTER BATES (V.O.) This week's long distance dedication comes to us from Portland. It reads, Mix Master Bates. I am a twin. You know that freaky twin thing you see on TV, where they are inseparable, even in thought? Yeah. That's not us. I have never really had a great relationship with my brother, as we are very different in our interests and do not share a lot in common. Plus, he thinks of all things, that I'm gay. The long distance dedication continues as... EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY Carl parks his brother's hatchback and gets out, holding a wrapped gift. He heads toward the back entrance of a building. MIX MASTER BATES (V.O.) Recently, a terrible accident happened, which I don't want to go into here, but regardless, it put a lot of things into perspective for me. INT. BUILDING HALLWAY - SAME Carl walks through the corridor, which is empty. MIX MASTER BATES (V.O.) I want my brother to know that I love him. And even though it seems that we are going to be apart for a long time now. I want him to know that. INT. DIMLY-LIT ROOM - SAME Carl enters. Inside the room, lies a body, connected to various tubes and IV's. Carl places the gift on a nearby nightstand. LYLE'S VOICE (V.O.) Man, you got the life. You don't have to work... People feed you, take care of cleaning up your piss, your shit, and to top it off, you get to sleep all fucking day... CARL Happy Birthday, bro. MIX MASTER BATES (V.O.) You see, my brother is in a coma. And his chances for recovery are very slim. Could you please play "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey for my brother Lyle? I know he is fighting, and I know he will make it. Lyle lies still. He has not woken up. He has been here since he was recovered from the snowbank. He remains unconscious, dreaming. A vegetable. MIX MASTER BATES (V.O.) You got it, Carl. This one is for you... Here is Journey, with Don't Stop Believin'. For some kid in a coma, just like the rest of my audience... And a news update just in, the Homeland Security alert level has, in a surprising turn of events, been lowered. To Mauve... So everything's peachy. The opening chords of "Don't Stop Believin'" begin as we transition back inside Lyle's mind. Through his IV, into his head and onto... TRANSITION TO: EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY The city bustles. Snow falls throughout Portland. Throughout the neighborhoods. On a quiet street in suburbia. INT. LYLE'S KITCHEN - SAME Mrs. Walters is watching television intently, holding a small strip of paper. Suddenly, she stands up and begins to stomp up and down ferociously. She has just won the lottery. JOURNEY "Some will win, some will lose..." EXT. PERFECT HOUSE - SAME Lyle and Laura stand on the front porch of their perfect home. He kisses her passionately, and heads out to the middle of the front yard, holding onto his jet-pak. He straps it on, winking at her. LAURA I was so wrong to leave you in high school. LYLE Yes. You were. But I love you anyway... LAURA Are you gonna be home by eight? He looks down at her, completely satisfied with the moment. LYLE (smirking) Well, the way I'm going, I don't think there's going to be any traffic. He presses a button on the side of the pack, and suddenly lifts off into the sky, just as the Journey guitar solo BLARES. She smiles, admiring her modern-day superman, soaring through the sky. EXT. NIGHT SKY - SAME Lyle weaves through the clouds. Down on the ground, he sees Carl holding hands with a HANDSOME GUY. Apparently, he has come out of the closet. Lyle gives his brother a heartfelt thumbs-up. LYLE (V.O.) Is that so bad? To give up on your dreams? To accept your life for what it is, all the while acknowledging the missed genius we feel when we make that second choice. (a long pause) Not the way I look at it. You only live once. There's no shame in dreaming it away... EXT. PORTLAND, MAINE / INTERSTATE 95 - SAME Cars line all lanes of the turnpike. Lyle flies over them then soars over the sign above the interstate. CU- "VACATIONLAND! Welcome to Maine, The Way Life Should Be!" A moment later, he pulls up and flies across a full moon exactly like Eliot in E.T. Content for the first time in his miserable, sorry excuse for a life, he lets out a CRY OF JOY. JOURNEY "Don't Stop Believin'... Hold onto that Feelin! Streetlight people, Oh, OH, OHHHH!" FREEZE FRAME: THE END