FADE IN: Grainy, sepia-toned filmstock is projecting onto a blank, white movie screen. Muffled, mono-recorded movie music SWELLS through the ambiance as the weathered picture is revealed... EXT. THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES - CIRCA 1944 - NIGHT Through heavy, brooding fog, the lights of a romanticized L.A. twinkle in the distance, film-noir style. Judging by the ominous surroundings, the choice of BRASSY SCORE, and the quality of the 35 millimeter spool, it is apparent that this is some old, forgotten movie serial... As the lights dance in the b.g, we... SUPER THE ROLL-UP: The ANNOUNCER reads it, sounding a bit like James Cagney in "White Heat", but on speed. ANNOUNCER PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR BY DAY! SUPERHERO BY NIGHT! DRESSED TO THE NINES, THE KEENEST MIND, THE QUICKEST WIT, AND THE HOTTEST ROD! IT'S ANOTHER CHAPTER IN "THE ADVENTURES OF THE MIGHTY DICK"! The scrolling text disappears into nothingness as our hero approaches from the dark shadows. He sports traditional superhero attire; an eye-mask, a muscle-showcasing costume, and a cape that doubles as a trenchcoat. This masked man is... THE MIGHTY DICK (30). He puts his hands on his sides and stares down from the hills, probing the area, looking for something as he casually LIGHTS a Camel non-filtered cigarette. ANNOUNCER (CONT'D) The last time we left our hero he had yet to rescue the lovely dish, Beatrice Doherty, from the clutches of his arch-nemesis, the oriental Dr. Slope... Outside, his sidekick, Manboy, was facing squirt metal and had a severe case of lead poisoning. Needless to say, the two crimefighters sure had their fingers stuck in a dike! Just then, our protagonist finds what he is looking for; his sidekick, MANBOY (20), who lies on the ground, unconscious. Also decked out in hero gear, his buddy is definitely a man, but boy-sized. Dick kicks him on the side, waking him from his daze. MANBOY Hey! What's the big idea? Can't a fella get a little shuteye 'round here? THE MIGHTY DICK HOT DOG! I thought you were rubbed out, Manboy! Finished! Bit the dust! Taken for a ride! See? It takes Manboy a second to realize what has just happened to him, but once he does, he dusts himself off and stands with newfound determination. MANBOY (waking up, triumphantly) When they threw lead, I must musta thrown a joe! APPLESAUCE! THE MIGHTY DICK Swell, just swell. Well wake up, will ya? We've got a dame to rescue, Manboy... MANBOY Let's get that skirt out of there and put the screws on those drip erooneies, Uncle Dick! Manboy receives a stern look as he has just said something taboo. MANBOY (CONT'D) Sorry, MIGHTY Dick... I know we have to be careful not to give up our secret identities of being the neatest, most hotsy-totsy private investigating team by day and the swankiest crime fighting duo by night. THE MIGHTY DICK What is a driperooney, exactly? MANBOY It's a drip, I added the "erooney" to make it swing, Jackson. THE MIGHTY DICK Well, I'm glad you're not on the big sleep. Just having you next to me again makes me feel gay. MANBOY It makes me feel gay too, but we should screw out. Where's the broad? THE MIGHTY DICK Grab your bean-shooter. Dr. Slope has Beatrice captive... The last thing I want is some rice-eater putting their grubby little mitts all over my best gal. (beat, extinguishing his cigarette butt) LET'S QUEER THIS RACKET! The tenacious crimefighters RACE out of frame and into the foggy night sky as we see a... STUTTERING, SHITTY FADE: INT. CLIP JOINT / SPEAKEASY TYPE PLACE - MINUTES LATER DR. SLOPE (40), a white man sporting what current standards would consider blatantly offensive "Asian" make-up, complete with some drawn-on eyelids, stands over the beautiful BEATRICE DOHERTY, a bombshell in her mid-twenties. BEATRICE You'll never get away with this, you coward! You're as yellow as your skin... DR. SLOPE (a stereotypical accent) Once I have the formula your father created, Japan will rule the world and your country will do nothing but make our tinker toys for us forever and ever... Various men of Slope's gang, all obviously Caucasian men in the same dated, non-politically correct costuming, stand behind their leader, menacingly. Just then, the door is furiously KICKED OPEN. The Mighty Dick and Manboy burst into the room, throwing punches and kicking ass.... MANBOY Anybody ready for a little MANBOY action? BEATRICE Dick! I knew you'd come! The film's speed is adjusted accordingly, our heroes now appearing faster than humanly possible. DR. SLOPE You are outnumbered, Dick. Ten to one. And a half... MANBOY This is The Mighty Dick and Manboy you're talking about, Slope. We can take on ten guys in our sleep! The crusaders engage in fist-fights galore, wrestling with the whole gang, miraculously winning. The two heroes RUSH the posse, until eventually, Dr. Slope is the only one left standing. THE MIGHTY DICK Hands up, nip. Shows over. You're going to an internment camp where you belong, ya hear? Manboy, take Beatrice and scram! DR. SLOPE I am going to beat the mighty dick, if it's the last thing I do! Just then, Dr. Slope presses a button on the wall, OPENING a secret trap door in the floor, which The Mighty Dick, Manboy, and Beatrice immediately FALL into.. INT. DUNGEON ROOM - CONTINUOUS They land in a dingy pit of water, just to the left of three hungry, wild alligators... MANBOY HORSEFEATHERS! As his sidekick complains, The Mighty Dick wastes no time in giving one of them a right HOOK. And another. And another. No, you are not seeing things, he is actually boxing an alligator. ANNOUNCER Will our heroes escape from the Jap clip joint? Will The Mighty Dick finally arrest Dr. Slope and his evil "Slanteye Gang"? Find out next week in NOBODY BEATS THE MIGHTY DICK! AT THIS THEATER! The hero continues to swing his right fist as we... TRANSITION TO: EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - PRESENT DAY An elderly man, DEWEY TRUMAN (75), is repeatedly YANKING a pull cord upwards, a motion which is not that different from the aforementioned punching. In fact, this old man bears a striking resemblance to the protagonist in the movie serial... Judging by the look on his face, he is frustrated that he won't be able to mow his lawn today, but just then, the ENGINE ROARS TO LIFE and he pushes forward. TITLE CARD: THE MIGHTY DICK RISES AGAIN INT. SUBURBAN HOME / DEN - SAME Dewey's son, DEREK TRUMAN (50), patiently peers out the window, nursing a cup of coffee and SIGHING. His still beautiful wife, MARY ELLEN, approaches his side, trying to comfort him. The television BLARES in the distance as Derek studies his father. MARY ELLEN At least he's still trying to pull his weight. You should give him credit for that. DEREK Honey, what's today's date? MARY ELLEN (O.S.) The twenty-fifth. DEREK Of? MARY ELLEN (O.S.) July. Why? DEREK Just checking. Dad's mowing the lawn with the snowblower again. Upon further investigation, he's right. Dewey is tearing up the lawn with the machine's revolving blade. The sight is funny, but kind of sad. Just then, Derek actually focuses on the television and sees DR. KILROY ALTER (40), who voraciously pitches his product via commercial advertisement. DR. KILROY ALTER We provide a round-the-clock staff that specializes in dementia care and we even provide a special playground for the memory impaired. Visitors are welcome, please drop in for a visit. The Sunset Retirement Villas. Let's watch the sunset of your lives together... Derek is enthralled with the ad, then turns his attention back to his now destroyed grass. He has made his decision. INT. SUBURBAN HOME / DINING ROOM - NIGHT The Truman family, Derek, Mary Ellen, and their son, RICHIE (11), sit around the table, eating in awkward silence. Out of nowhere, Derek drops a bomb... DEREK I don't know how to say this, but I think it's time we put Dad in a home. RICHIE No dad! DEREK I found this really great place. It's close, it seems really nice. You could visit him all the time. MARY ELLEN I know he's your friend, Richie, but we all love him and want what's best for him. RICHIE He is my BEST friend! He's got the best stories! DEREK It's just that Grandpa needs to be around people his own age. RICHIE (a look of disbelief) What? A hundred? Nice try. Look, I'll mow the lawn if you want! DEREK It's just that with Grandpa here, your Mother and I can't do the... RICHIE Deep dicking? Is that what this is about? His comment flabbergasts them, but is overshadowed immediately. Just then, a voice PIPES UP from another chair that has not been revealed until now. Dewey sits in the chair, confused but still following the conversation. DEWEY HEY! I'm right here, you know! DEREK Yeah, Dad. We know. DEWEY Wait. What was I just talking about? DEREK The Rat Pack, dad. DEWEY Ah yes, colored or no, that Sammy Davis can SING! As his Grandfather begins to HUM "The Candy Man" at full amplitude, all sinks in for Richie. RICHIE Dad? Was Grandpa really a superhero? DEREK No, Richie. He just played one in the movies. RICHIE I wish he was. DEREK Me too, Richie. Me too. INT. SUBURBAN HOME / BEDROOM - DAWN Dewey is sleeping soundly until Richie ENTERS the room, holding a set of car keys. RICHIE Grandpa. You have to get out of here. Now! Dewey grabs the keys, disheveled. INT. STATIONWAGON - MORNING Dewey is now behind the wheel of the family automobile, driving around aimlessly. He moves his body to the Tommy Dorsey song EMANATING from the CD player, reminiscing about the days when this song would have been on the radio. Out of nowhere, the ride gets very BUMPY as we pull out to reveal... EXT. BEACH - CONTINUOUS The stationwagon. It DRIVES right into the ocean. FADE TO BLACK. EXT. SUNSET RETIREMENT VILLAS - DAYS LATER A brand-new car STROLLS into the parking lot as an African American gentleman EXITS the main entrance to the building. INT. BRAND NEW CAR - SAME Derek puts the car in "park" as Richie looks back at his Grandfather, who surveys the surroundings and immediately flips the nearby lock switch. DEWEY Heads up. Lock your doors. RICHIE What? Why? DEREK Because old people are kind of racist, son. It's the way they were brought up. Just nod and smile. DEWEY You can't be too safe. RICHIE Grandpa, I think that guy is a doctor here. DEWEY DO IT! Richie reluctantly LOCKS his door, shaking his head in embarrassed shame and utter disgust. INT. SUNSET RETIREMENT VILLAS - MINUTES LATER The three Truman men ENTER through the main lobby and find seats in the waiting room. You can smell the old. DEREK I'm going to sign us in. Richie, keep an eye on Grandpa and don't leave this area. RICHIE What if wee see more black people? Seconds pass. Richie and Dewey watch as a flaming gay, Asian orderly, complete with blonde highlighted bangs, sets up a tray in front of a decrepit, ailing old man. The orderly pulls out the man's teeth and spoons in some mashed potatoes. GAY ORDERLY Who's ready for the choo choo train? Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chuga choo choo! Dewey looks on, still confused, but with it enough to understand that this is gross. Richie watches, albeit amazed. DEWEY If that ever happens to me.. RICHIE I know Gramps, pull the plug. DEWEY Good boy. Just then, Dr. Alter, the man from the television ad, APPROACHES with Derek in tow. He is overly friendly, but unintentionally humorous, in a Fred Willard sort of way. DR. KILROY ALTER Hello! It is quite an honor. I'm actually touching The Mighty Dick. You know, I actually wanted to be a Private Dick because of your show. Now I'm just a public dick! Hah. Because nobody likes me! Hah, hah, Kidding. I have friends, really. Look here's a good buddy of mine right now. Mr. Warren Peets. An extremely frail man, a man who appears to be the oldest person here, moves past with a walker. He is WARREN PEETS. WARREN PEETS F off, Doctor Douchenozzle. DR. KILROY ALTER Please forgive Warren. He's our resident teenager, and with that, he feels like he has to rebel. DEREK Teenager? DR. KILROY ALTER Warren has a rare disease called Progeria. He's seventeen. He ages ten times faster than normal people. WARREN PEETS Yeah. I'm living proof that there is a God... and that he fucking hates people. Everyone stares at him. DR. KILROY ALTER Well, Dewey, enough of that tragic mumbo-jumbo, let me be the first to welcome you to the rest of your life. Everyone, hey everyone! No one in the nursing home moves or stops what they are doing. His attempt at catching their attention is fruitless. DR. KILROY ALTER (CONT'D) This is Mr. Dewey Truman! He's a real Hollywood star! Everyone stops, half-turning their gazes toward "the new guy" as Dewey grows red. DR. KILROY ALTER Anyone remember The Mighty Dick? You know? Private Dick by day The Mighty Dick by night, probing the underworld with my Manboy sidekick? Anyone? No? Ouch. Everyone goes back to what they were doing as if nobody had said anything. Warren almost dies LAUGHING. Literally. WARREN PEETS If you're gonna make it in here, you gotta make someone your bitch. First day. Really. His comment silences everyone. Derek looks at his son, and realizes that he is making this harder than it has to be. DEREK We should let you get settled now. Goodbye, Dad. I love you. DEWEY Son, you'll never take me alive... Dewey tries to RUN, but his son grabs him before he can move past him. Apparently, he's done this before. The grab turns into an emotional hug, which Richie watches, a tear welling up his eye. He gives his Grandpa a big hug as well, knowing that this changes everything. INT. SUNSET RETIREMENT VILLAS - LATER ON Warren guides Dewey through the facility, showing his new cohort the ropes, so to speak. In the cafeteria, a wheelchair-bound man, BERNEY, watches "The Price Is Right" on a television monitor. His eyes are glossed over, and he is hypnotized by the screen. WARREN PEETS Berney, my man how they hanging? An inch from the ground? That's right, have a good one. I'll see you at Bingo. (beat, back to Dewey) You want some coffee? It's not real coffee it's that freeze-dried shit, but it works. Dewey reaches into his pants and makes a decision as the gay orderly waltzes by. DEWEY Ah, what the hell, I'm wearing my diaper today... GAY ORDERLY FYI, just so you know around here, it's an adult protection device, not a diaper. DEWEY It's a Goddamned diaper, you dumb dora! I know it, you know it. Christ, even he knows it... Dewey points at Bernie, who continues living his zombie routine. FADE TO BLACK. INT. SUNSET RETIREMENT VILLAS / BEDROOM - NIGHT Dewey and Warren sit in their respective beds, watching television. Upon further investigation, they are watching a chapter of "THE ADVENTURES OF THE MIGHTY DICK". WARREN PEETS God bless eBay. These serials are the fucking tits! So sexist and racist. So non PC. It's like nothing I've ever seen. Look at yourself there! Dewey looks down at his legs, checking something out in his pajamas. DEWEY Why? Do I have a boner? Warren shakes his head, TURNING DOWN THE VOLUME on the television. DEWEY (CONT'D) You know Manboy, you're the only one who knows about the other times. About the times I put on my own costume and played for keeps. WARREN PEETS You put on your superhero costume and paraded around town? DEWEY This is no cock and bull. I once saved a man from drowning. WARREN PEETS Uh-huh, that was in the pilot episode... We just watched it. (a light bulb goes off in his head) Hey, you wanna play The Golden Girls drinking game after this? It's fucking great. You drink every time every time Rose mentions St. Olaf or Blanche acts like a whore... DEWEY In my day, we didn't curse in normal conversation. Not usually. But I guess things change over time. Dewey produces two military tags that when placed together a certain way create "The Mighty Dick" symbol. WARREN PEETS I wouldn't know. (beat) They say you guys were "The Greatest Generation" but you know what? You guys were just racist, sexist, and you're the generation that banned marijuana, so fuck you. (noticing the tags) Hey. What is that? Dewey slowly gets out of bed and LOCKS the door, about to bring his roommate in on a little secret. Dewey reaches under his bead and produces a wooden box, about the size of a loaf of bread. The box is intricate and ornate, and is the top door remains tightly locked. His back to us, Dewey maneuvers something and UNLOCKS the mysterious object. It opens. Warren takes a peek inside and smiles widely. It is the first time we have seen him not scouring. WARREN PEETS Well then old man, enough of this malarkey Let's go catch some bad guys! DEWEY What? Tonight? WARREN PEETS Well, I'm not exactly on the long term investment plan here, sport. We could wait like three weeks from now, or tomorrow, MY TIME... Dewey seems a bit unsure, but the call is too strong. WARREN PEETS (CONT'D) The world needs you now. More than ever. Dewey is convinced. The look on his face reveals a man who, for the first time in decades, has a purpose... MONTAGE SEQUENCE: Boots are laced... Costume material is stretched over flabby, untoned muscle and wrinkled skin... The eyewear is placed on over liver spots and worn eyes. Under fluorescent lights and an emphatic MUSIC BED, The Mighty Dick is reborn. An elderly superhero ready for action. With no time to prepare, keys JINGLE and the door to the room suddenly OPENS. The gay, Asian orderly stands there, shocked at what he sees. GAY ORDERLY Oh-my-gad. Can I assume you'll be taking meds the hard way tonight? WARREN PEETS GOSH MIGHTY DICK! LOOK! IT'S THE HENCHMEN OF DOCTOR SLOPE! It's the space creature GAYSIAN! From the planet WHORIENTAL! The orderly freezes in place, not knowing what to do. THE MIGHTY DICK Don't move, you good-for nothing yellowman! Show em how we treat bomb droppers in the US of A. Warren jumps into action, the most fun he's had all year. EXT. SUNSET RETIREMENT VILLAS HALLWAY - SAME From outside the room, we hear a STRUGGLE. Eventually, The Mighty Dick and Warren EXIT their room, now holding a set of keys. WARREN PEETS The Mighty Dick Rises Again! THE MIGHTY DICK What's next? EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - LATE NIGHT Warren and The Mighty Dick, still in full costume, sit on the stoop, both drinking coffee. WARREN PEETS Now, THAT's coffee... (beat) So, I guess you need to be pretty with it to save the world, huh? Smart that is? THE MIGHTY DICK It takes the keenest mind and the quickest wit. At least that's what they say. WARREN PEETS Well my I.Q. is 69. So I guess I'm fucked. Just then an African-American JOGGER in a track suit RUNS BY, headphones on. He is hardcore into cardio. THE MIGHTY DICK C'mon Manboy. We've got a reefer addict to catch! The Mighty Dick bursts into a full sprint, chasing the unaware health-nut, exercising at night. Resounding CHASE MUSIC bellows as our hero gains on the man... Just then, The Mighty Dick clutches his left arm, dropping to the asphalt. Warren CALLS FOR HELP, as his new friend suffers a major heart attack... The jogger hears HIS CRIES, and turns around, ready to help. As the jogger tries to assist him upwards, The Mighty Dick pulls him to the pavement and WRESTLES HIM. JOGGER What the shit? WARREN PEETS Could you do me a favor, Sir? Just play along? INT. SUBURBAN HOME / KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING The Truman family eats breakfast in silence as the phone RINGS. Richie stands and answers it, somewhat restless. RICHIE Hello, Truman residence... Dad, it's this old house. For you. Derek takes the receiver from his son, worried. DEREK Not again. (beat) What? No... INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - LATE MORNING Derek, Mary Ellen, and Richie stand over an unconscious Dewey, who is now connected to various tubes and machines to keep him alive. BEEPING from the heart monitor is all that is heard. RICHIE Can I have a moment with Grandpa? After his parents consent to his request, the door is SHUT. Miraculously, Dewey wakes up, handing his grandson something from his palm. DEWEY Richie. I want you to have these. You were the only one who ever believed me. RICHIE What is it? DEWEY Promise that you'll keep those safe. Someday they will open up the world you, if you still believe. Dewey's eyes close as quickly as they opened. Richie has seen enough, but looks down at the military dog tags which his Grandfather has just bestowed upon him. FADE TO: EXT. CEMETERY - DAYS LATER Light rain sprinkles through the fog, a fitting ambiance for a fitting day. All in all, the turnout is pretty decent for the old man. Richie tries to be strong as his father finishes delivering the eulogy. DEREK ...Dad, you may not have been a REAL superhero, but you were a super dad, and you were MY hero. As the mourning crowd begins to disperse, Warren walks over to Richie, Dr. Alter in tow. WARREN PEETS Sorry about your Grandpa. RICHIE Yeah, I'm just glad I got to see him one last time, you know. Thank you for that. WARREN PEETS He was a hot shit. (Remembering) Oh, he wanted you to have this. Warren hands Richie "the box", smirking. RICHIE Thanks, what's in it? WARREN PEETS I don't know. I think you need a key or something to open it. (Knowingly) Good luck, kid. DR. KILROY ALTER It's times like these that make you realize that life is short. You're only young once, son. Enjoy it. WARREN PEETS (in disbelief) Out of all the things never to say around me again, that would be at the top of the list. You fucking dick. INT. SUBURBAN HOME - RICHIE'S ROOM - NIGHT Richie ENTERS the room, holding the box tightly. He looks tired from grieving, but somewhat excited as to what may be inside. A gift from the afterlife... He places the box on his bureau when it all hits him... An idea. Of course. He immediately takes the dog tags off, and makes The Mighty Dick symbol out of them... He brings the tags toward the lock, and just then, the key is magnetically drawn to it and pulled inside, UNLOCKING it... The top POPS OPEN... Richie reaches inside and slowly pulls out The Mighty Dick costume, tattered and torn. He places it on the bed, as if it were the holy Grail... He stares at the clothing, dumbfounded. He does a double-take, looking back inside the box, seeing something else. Upon further investigation, and holding them up to light, he notices that they are all legitimate newspaper clippings from the 1940's. He studies them intently... INSERT: - "MASKED MAN SAVES FAMILY FROM FIRE" - "ANONYMOUS DO-GOODER RESCUES MAN FROM RIVER" - "MIDNIGHT MARAUDER STRIKES AGAIN" Richie smiles, the only one on the planet who knows his Grandfather's secret. Just then, a KNOCKING is heard at his door. DEREK (O.S.) Richie? Are you okay? RICHIE Great, dad. Just great. DEREK (O.S.) You need to talk? RICHIE Not right now, I'm... busy. (beat) And it looks like I'm going to be that way for a little while. He waits for his father to leave and holds the suit up to the mirror, knowing what he must do... EXT. SUBURBIA - NIGHT Out of the shadows, a figure ZOOMS THROUGH the glow of moonlight. As he approaches, it becomes apparent that this is Richie on his scooter, now decked out in The Mighty Dick outfit. He is a boy on a mission. ORCHESTRA SWELLS as Richie makes a hard right, accelerating with the music. As he SPEEDS DOWN a steep hill, his cape flaps in the wind behind him... ANNOUNCER WILL THE MIGHTY DICK LIVE ON INSIDE HIS GRANDSON? WILL RICHIE BUCKLE DOWN AND TAKE THE MIGHTY DICK TO NEW SOARING HEIGHTS? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK IN "THE SECOND COMING OF THE MIGHTY DICK!" AT THIS THEATER! Richie disappears into the night as TIMPANI DRUMS ring. The torch has been passed and innocence found. Sort of. SMASH CUT TO BLACK.