VERSES FROM THE ABSTRACT #3 by Nobby V

Do Not Be a Cheap-Ass When Buying:

1) A mattress. You spend 1/3 of your life in bed. You might as well enjoy it as much as possible. You’ll never talk your lady into trying anal if she can’t get comfortable in your bed. After a good night’s sleep, you’ll have more energy the next day, meaning better productivity at work, meaning your boss will give you a raise, meaning eventually you can afford to nap on the pelts of baby albino harbor seals you have clubbed yourself. In the meantime, try out a number of mattresses from a few different stores to find one that you really like. And don’t make the common mistake of assuming that the “softest” mattress will be the most comfortable in the long term. You need something that will properly support your prodigious bulk, fatty.

2) Booze. Leave the $7.99 handles of rotgut behind when you exit your college years. Better booze will leave you less hungover the following morning, meaning your coworkers won’t as easily be able to tell that you’re a raging alcoholic who spent Tuesday night powering through a bottle to cope with the shame of being woefully unqualified for the job secured for you by your father-in-law. If you’re mixing in some elaborate fruity cocktail you may be able to get away with a slightly lesser quality of booze, but otherwise pony up the cash for some decent stuff. There’s nothing worse than waking up following a bender fueled by Pepe Lopez tequila.

3) Shoes. Payless was invented for women so they could buy a pair of shoes that they intend on wearing once to match some outfit for a funeral. They are not fit for everyday use. This does not mean you have to spend $950 on some Italian loafers. But pick up a quality pair of dress brown, black and casual brown shoes. Even if your job allows you to wear sneakers, the judge will appreciate your spiffy footwear when you show up to contest that restraining order. And you can ask the ladies: shoes are one of the first things they notice on a guy. Your plastic-fantastic $9.97 specials are not going to cut it. On the other hand, spending only $9.97 on shoes does leave you more spare cash to pay for sex…

4) Tires. Sure, it’s some tire company’s marketing campaign, but it’s true: your tires really are the only thing that keeps you stuck to the road. Shitty tires put you and the people around you at risk. And let’s face it: you’re a barely competent driver as it is. So forego adding those snazzy clear tail lights and spend some cash on your tires. Check http://www.tirerack.com for good prices and a number of reviews. Special note for those that live in the snow belt: you need TWO sets of tires. Snow tires are an absolute must. Look at it this way: you slide off the road during a storm and damage your bumper, your insurance deductible is more than you would have spent on snow tires in the first place.